Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
