Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
