You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
