I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
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Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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