are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
