Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
