i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
