I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
