I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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