How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
