We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
