Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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