Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
