even my farts smell like vagina
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
