i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
