I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
