i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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