Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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