I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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