final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
