I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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