I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
