if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
