You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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