hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
