Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
