Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
