This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my shit smells like andre
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
