I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
