I should be sponsored by Trojan
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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