I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
