I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
