My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
