btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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