I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
