I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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