that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
