pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
MIDGETS
????
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
