So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm both gender and math confused
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
