Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
