oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
