I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
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I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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