i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
