I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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