well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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