woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
