They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
