Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
