help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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