thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
