Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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