I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
