We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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