Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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