she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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