I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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