just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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